I’m sitting here at the parking lot of the grocery store. I don’t want to mention the name because once we move out of this state, I don’t care to remember. I don’t believe to be arrogant or stubborn or unwilling. I just prefer it this way, accepting if I have to live in this state for the rest of my life, I will accept it. But that’s not the point at all of this post. I suppose I always like to set up the setting. Probably unnecessary.
Every day I propose to say something if not, at least once a week here at LydiaHerrera.net. I’m determined to open myself up to those willing to connect and feel something. Anything. Something good actually, not just “anything”. Something real.
Everyday is a seed. Even just to show up and know there is someone at the end of the other screen that is also willing to listen and open up and be forever changed, bit by bit, seed by seed. Every word counts.
I’m not sure I want to be on social media still. I feel as if I should convert fully to here. I haven’t yet fully decided, but even if I did decide, one can always change their mind for whatever the reason. I want to, and choose to believe that through this blog, it can be a little bit more intimate and personal and real, and just more of a ‘’real connection”
I actually adore to write and write in this blog, but through the years every time I’d want to start ‘blogging’ (is that still a term people use? “blogging”?) and sharing I just stop myself because I find it uncomfortable at a certain point. The point where I start opening up. I can be reserved.
Face to face, I must feel fully comfortable and more than anything, I have to feel realness and connection at the other end or else, I won’t say much and then as one person told me “that I don’t (I forgot what word was used) basically I didn’t follow the conversation or something like so. The thing is with this person I don’t feel them real and wholehearted. I feel that person is more wanting to talk about themselves and their people at the end of it, which is fine except there’s a subtle feeling of “anyway, about me” and the questions or the conversations asked and talked about are more to get some thing out of you, for the wrong reasons. It doesn’t feel right, so, I may seem to shut down. I may seem to not converse, but in reality it’s as if I perceive the heart and I don’t feel it worthwhile to follow a path that leads to nothing. Nothing at all. I could take advantage of the situation and turn it to something good and throw in some “good seed” but I really have nothing to prove. I’m no better than anyone else and I don’t care to prove that. The only thing remains is to help that person see the reality of life, but then it becomes burdensome and I render at times and say nothing. It may be the day, how I feel at the moment. I suppose I’d need to choose to love at all times. Maybe sometimes it’s ok to remain quiet. Observe, gather more to see what words will really “work” in the end.
Whereas with other people at the first meeting, I just flow like a river in conversation and I feel it!, you know. The conversation just flows and then it can turn into stupid funny all of a sudden…,and that’s when you know, I’m completely comfortable around you. anyway, bye.
